Floating in a Sea of Sorrow

Alex had made a direct trip from Garrison’s office straight to the mother of his daughter’s. Things still had been a little awkward between Anna and Andersson since his physical decimation of Williams. Despite being months ago now, women knew how to hold onto a grudge. The place was under massive renovation it looked as he walked through the infirmary, a lot of soldiers had died in the N W O battle hence the little need currently for a fully working medical wing. As good a chance as any to make a few changes. It didn’t take long to reach Anna’s office, as he stood outside a lot of memories came to him of their last proper meeting.

Considering Alex had almost made a move for her, seeing her half naked in his office brought up a lot of reasons why he found her so attractive. It was the usual doctor routine of wanting to see what was under the lab coat, helped by the fact that Anna had retained her rocking body despite the awkward pregnancy. An aged old story was developing between the pair, and this was a chapter that he wasn’t personally looking forward to. Holding his discharge sheet in hand, with Garrison’s approval already marked, he knocked upon the door.

“Anna, it’s Alex, you in there?” shouted Andersson, knocking again a little harder. A few of the renovators turned to look at what was going on, a signature middle finger put their attentions back in place.

The devil makes work for idle hands. This ancient saying had never held such truth for Anna until now. She had been idle without patients, or Grace’s condition, or a string of autopsies to keep her distracted and the devil had repaid her several times over. The doctor found it useful to imagine what the place was going to look like when she felt stressed, which was constantly as of late.

The sound of her shoes clicking against the concrete flooring echoed down the desolate corridor for there was nothing to absorb the noise. In her hand was a report which had ruined what had started off as a good day. During the early hours of this morning the engineers had found a cracked beam which held up half of the Medical Labs which wouldn’t last a year more. Another set back. The disused base they currently inhabited was starting to show its age once they began digging beneath the surface. Anna liked results, to see the finish line and the finished article however she knew, no matter how much optimism she forced upon herself, that it was going to be awhile yet.

She was surprised to hear Alex’s voice from around the corner where her office was. He was like the forbidden chocolate bar, for Anna banned herself from such sugary things, she wanted it, needed it, but it made her feel incredibly guilty and did her no good.

“Alex,” she smiled as he came into view in front of her closed door. She removed her eclectic necklace containing a USB key, security cards and a couple of keys for her office door hadn’t been updated to a card controlled electronic lock yet. Around her neck was the only place for the essentials for there was little room in her tight, grey pencil skirt and dark green turtleneck jumper. The white lab coat had been forgotten for her time actually working on medical matters was rather limited.

The Blackberry in her hand buzzed as she unlocked the door, indicating for Alex to go in with a gesture, Anna took the call. “Yes I’ve just picked up the engineering report... uh huh... of course, a complete nightmare. Ok I’ll call you back around five I have a meeting to go to. Ok thanks, bye.”

Sighing, Anna turned to Alex and said with a commanding tone, “this better be good news Alex.”

“this better be good news Alex.”

Alex raised his eyebrow slightly towards Anna’s remarks, he didn’t particularly like the way she was treating him but it had been this way for quite some time now. However he was glad that she seemed to despise his existence, it would make the following conversation much easier. Any semblance of a relationship between the pair had faded it seemed. Following her mark, Andersson entered the office and remained standing for he did not want to remain too long.

“I’ll be out of your hair quickly, and for awhile as well. You don’t have to deal with me knocking on your door again” replied Andersson as he placed the form he needed signed on Anna’s table, to allow him to be omitted into mental health care. Garrison’s signature had barely had it’s ink resting upon the paper. Hopefully he could turn some of this hate into a productive notion towards his objectives. It was like a mission now, one he desperately wanted to complete.

“Garrison’s already on ball and from your reception, you’ll be glad to have an Andersson free environment for awhile” muttered Alex as he failed to meet Anna’s eyes, it was a lot harder than expected. Maybe he was being selfish considering Grace needed him but he now craved to be the father to her that he was to Brodi. He could do better, he simply wasn’t able to. It took enough for him to realise this and took everything for him to keep on going. The momentum was all that was stopping him from throwing in the towel, from making his next attempt to blow his brains out a successful one.

For once Andersson didn’t seem to know what to do with himself, sit down or remain standing. He shuffled his feet slightly before leaning back against the wall.

A wave of guilt crept from Anna’s heart. It was an awful feeling which only aided in making her feel more stressed. A telltale throbbing pain was making itself known at the base of her skull where it met the top of her neck and her sore shoulder muscles seemed to tighten reflexively.

“I didn’t mean it like that…” Anna began to defend her dismissive mood but she stopped when Alex placed a piece of paper on her desk, Garrison’s signature stood out.

Anna remained on Alex's side of her desk for they certainly didn't need a physical barrier to solidify their emotional state. He stood barely two metres from her, his strong muscled body like a rock against a raging sea. When did things get so complicated? It was something Anna had thought about a lot, an unfortunate side affect of an overactive mind. Frequently she came to the conclusion that they weren't in the slightest way compatible.

“What’s this?” She asked before actually reading it.

Scanning it quickly, she picked up specific words which bode no good. “Alex?" The tension in her voice gave way to a fearful one. Letting out a sigh, she turned and rested her bum against the desk, facing him her eyes searched his for something, anything, regret, fear, anger or even hope or acceptance. However she couldn't read him like she once could.

“I can’t sign this until you tell me what's going on."

“I didn’t mean it like that…”

"Bullshit..." Andersson muttered to himself as he took a circle view on his gaze, looking everywhere except for Anna’s probing eyes. Just like a lot of women in his life that he had a history with, she had probably gained the ability to read his focused eyes. It reminded him of Kensington’s uncanny ability to get inside his head, Katelyn’s ability to know what Alex was feeling before he felt it. Grace could do it to, she was young enough to believe it wasn’t as bad as previously thought.

“I can’t sign this until you tell me what's going on."

“I just had this entire conversation with Garrison…” it was a cheap attempt to get out of the conversation of which he did not desire to be in. He knew Anna would probably give in but make her condemned remarks before hand, they hurt more than a bullet in the chest at times. Unknown to him but his entire body was tense, as if he were suspecting a body shot to the ribs. It hurt his scar pretty bad, he still remembered who saved him after that destructive damage done to his body.

It was then that Alex decided to go for another method instead, rather than simply attacking Anna he could try something else. He could tell her the truth about how he felt, be honest with her and tell her all the deepest darkest secrets inside his heart. As he opened his mouth, the subject matter became concrete in his throat, refusing to rise to the surface.

“I’ve been attempting to kill myself every night since before I came to the URCS, I thought it would end when I killed Warburton… it didn’t…” responded Alex in a more dismissive tone than heartfelt, it was all he could manage at the moment.

His ‘bullshit’ comment didn’t go unnoticed, it was no more than a mutter but she was standing right in front of him. A flash of anger left her speechless. Running a hand through her dark chocolate brown hair, she pushed herself off the desk and began slowly pacing a small section of carpet in front of particularly overcrowded bookshelf.

“Well you haven’t just had that entire conversation with me.” Anna added, attitude dripped from every syllable. She was the Chief Medical Officer after all, she couldn’t sign anyone off on mental health grounds just because they said so, no matter who they were. The fact that Alex seemed to expect special treatment from her only irritated her further.

The way in which Alex’s voice changed did nothing for Anna for she knew how manipulative the son of bitch was however the words however had their intended effect. She stopped midstride and looked at him again, he refused to look at her coward.

Anna wanted to be kind but as the old saying went, hell hath no fury...

Walking up to him, Anna made him notice her, she wasn’t so close that she was in his face, a very bad mistake, but enough that her perfume to reach him, for her to reach out if she wanted and take his hand. “Alex you could kill most experienced soldiers on this planet who are fighting back, so what? You’ve been holding back on yourself?”

Anna psych rotation at St. Thomas’s hospital London included many mentally ill people who spoke continuously of killing themselves for attention but unwilling to drink bleach which could be bought anywhere, jump off one of England’s million bridges or walk into the armour and finish off the job with an AK-47. Or had Anna become cynical in what felt like her old age? At the tender age of thirty three did she see the worst in everyone? Or just the worst in him?

A wave of overwhelming sadness washed over her, emotionally she was tired and wrought with the stress of work and so she lacked the energy to fight off the tears. Gently she wept and wordlessly she pulled a few tissues from a box on her desk and composed herself with her back to him.

“Have you really been trying to kill yourself?” She asked, turning back to him and wanting it to be a lie, a ploy to get away because that was easier to deal with that him wanting to end his own life.

“Alex you could kill most experienced soldiers on this planet who are fighting back, so what? You’ve been holding back on yourself?”

“Killing other people is easy, Ever tried to pop yourself? The body has a remarkable way of wanting to keep itself alive” explained Alex, truth be told he didn’t expect himself to pull the trigger now after all this time. However he continued to try every single night, even on missions, despite how stupid it felt to him. Nightmares, the delight he had when he killed someone… it was borderline sick.

Alex had remained his cool composure so far but it quickly changed as soon as Anna’s icy exterior buckled under the pressure. He had not expected this from her at all and it had caught him off guard completely, his facial expression changed into a more genuine one. A face full of concern and protection, for some time Anna had been fairly safe with Alex’s gaze clasped upon her. No one dared fuck with Alex or his family.

“Have you really been trying to kill yourself?”

“… I’m sorry Anna… Please don’t cry” replied Alex, he really couldn’t deal with the way she looked at the moment. He felt as if he had betrayed the entire world sometimes, it was the way that only Anna could make him feel. Almost as if it were a mighty tower crumbled from the very foundations.

“I thought after Warburton died I would go back to the Alex I was, I didn’t and… I don’t know what else to do…, I need this…” explained Alex with a much more heartfelt approach that he was desiring previously.

During her emergency medicine residency and during her career as a pathologist Anna had witnessed the aftermath of suicide too many times to have considered it herself. From piecing together a body sliced into bits by the fast, super hot wheels of a train to being part of a forensic team pealing samples of brain from a ceiling, there was no dignity in suicide.

Taking a deep breath, Anna took a loud, bunged up sounding sniff and shook her head, “I’m not crying,” she stupidly replied.

“It’s just...” she started looking up at the ceiling, “... a shock.” How she hated being outwardly emotional, she felt silly and childish but then again, she never acted entirely herself around Alex.

Leaning over her desk, she grabbed her favourite Parker pen and in flash of loops and swirls, her signature rested on the paper. She looked down at the fresh ink for a long moment realising that the moment her pen left the paper, the decision was sealed and a next chapter had just begun.

Handing him the paper, Anna asked, “do what you have to do Alex.”

The mental image alone of Alex lying on her autopsy table with half his skull blow away or his digestive track corroded by bleach was enough to make Anna sign it after the initial anger wore off. To deny Alex his chance of recovery was as bad as handing him the gun.

Overcome, Anna went onto her tip toes and placing a small, tender kiss on his lips. A gesture of reassurance, even after all they’d been through, she wanted him to know she cared despite wanting to throttle him half the time. Stepping back, she gave a small, sad smile when a thought entered her mind. “One question... is this to do with the vampire serum? The voice you were hearing?”

“do what you have to do Alex.”

It was done, finally and after so much time. He was now in possession of everything he needed to start this new chapter in his life. However there was a brief moment of surprise around him as he held the piece of paper in his hand almost like a feeling of butterflies around his stomach. Even more so as Anna touched her lips with his, immediately his hands wrapped around her and even quicker they released. He hadn’t moved in a subtle fashion either and this elicited an awkward moment for him. It was simply a slight kiss of concern, Alex’s inner desires seemingly untamed.

“One question... is this to do with the vampire serum? The voice you were hearing?”

“… I don’t really know much about that. I know it wasn’t anything to do with a vampire, just me going a little bit more mad, I got a psych report from Kensington, unwillingly so but… it answered a lot of questions” replied Alex as he tried to stricken Isabella from his mind, it would be a nightmare if he ran into her again. He’d happily deal with welsh mind fuck specialists considering the pissy nature of his ex wife. Looking back at Anna he immediately felt low and less of a man, what did she really want from him all these years.

“I’m sorry about Grace… I’ll try and get me signed off as quick as I can. Just tell her I’m on a mission or something. Do you have anything else for me before I leave? Get out of your hair as you want?” stated Alex as he took a bold stance, gripping his signed paper and backpack, he planned to leave as soon as possible. He didn’t have it in him to hang around for too long, he rather start screaming in his cell immediately.

Crossing her arms, Anna’s once again lent against the side of the table and considered his words carefully. “Do you think we should lie to her?” It was a simple question but Anna knew it held a great weight. The fact of the matter was that she herself didn’t know the answer which is why she brought it up. It was an age old dilemma for parents, lie and protect the child or risk them finding out and hating you for lying to them in the first place.

“I know she’s still emotionally young but she’s so intelligent, if we explain it properly to her I think she may understand.” Was this a ridiculous idea? She had no idea, how do you tell a child of any age that their father is going to be institutionalised.

Sighing, Anna once again was tired of difficult decisions for they seemed to plague her, always cropping up at the most inappropriate times when her defences were down.

“I don’t want you to get out of my hair Alex.” Why did he always see the negative? She thought hastily, “I want you to get better, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” This was true. Ever since the beginnings of their relationship when he was a lost and broken soldier who was hell bent on destroying himself she’d always seen something deeper while most saw a son of a bitch.

Would Alex ever be healed? Anna knew this was impossible for doubted their psychological therapies could mend scars so deep, but if it meant he found peace within himself then it was worth the hassle which would follow.

“Do you think we should lie to her?”

“I think we should try at very least…” Alex replied, not really knowing a decent alternative on the matter. They didn’t make a book entitled ‘Telling your child your going insane’, he had to simply wing it at this point. Their child was immensely complicated considering her condition, he wasn’t stupid enough to think there was a chance that the child would eventually figure everything out. Alex also didn’t know how long he’d be there. For years of issues as extensive as his, could be awhile for a simple ‘mission’ excuse.

“I want you to get better, that’s all I’ve ever wanted”

“Your not the only one, I’m heading off A.S.A.P before a new war breaks out and I get conscripted once more” half joked Alex as he folded up his piece of paper and stood yet again awkwardly by the door. He was bound to think of Anna a lot while he was gone, think about a lot of thinks. Thinking of if he were a more decent man then maybe there could have been something but things never played out the way they did in Hollywood.

“Thank you…” muttered Alex, before leaving the room, and embarking on his new journey. Inside his own mind.